I am ready to take a big long bath.
I am ready to take a big long nap.
I am ready to not be on a diet anymore because I am already so skinny and hot that I don't need to diet anymore.
I am ready to travel the world.
I am ready to hire someone to do all the laundry around here so I can just relax.
Heck, I am even ready to mow the lawn again and play in the dirt.
I am ready for the economy to get back to normal and to not have to worry about money anymore.
I am ready to go back to Disneyland!
But do you know what?
I will never be ready to lose my mom.
I don't care how old one gets, the thought of not having your mom around is a horrible thought. I always had it in my mind that my dad would go first but the recent diagnosis that my mom just got for the answer of her incessant coughing and choking and labored breathing has thrown me for a loop. Asthma my butt! After being sent from doctor to doctor for the past couple months, Shirl finally landed an appointment with a idiopathic specialist, someone that specializes in unknown diseases, at least unknown causes for disease. He has diagnosed her with IPF (idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis), and according to all the research that I have done on the illness, once you are diagnosed, you don't have long to live.
Now my mom is in no way on her death bed. She has good days and bad days. She is pretty much good more often than bad and I am happy about that. Hopefully, she still has 20 years left in her and she can see my kids grow up. She can be here for me. She can make us all laugh, because nobody can make us laugh like my mom can.
I am not ready. Even though I know all that I know. Even though I believe with all my heart that saying goodbye is not saying goodbye at all.
This has done something to me. I am changed. I am scared. I am a little sad. I am thinking that I want to be a little kid again and climb next to her in bed, like I did when I was twelve and scared of the thunder and lightning. If my mom goes before her time, before my time for her to go I guess, that means that I have to grow up.
Not ready at all.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
My Melancholy Mood
Posted by Stacy at 7:42 PM
Labels: Grandma Bass
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13 comments:
I'm not ready to lose her either. When my dad told us, I was shocked. I went and cried on the stairs in my basement thinking if she does go soon, she's not going to be able to see her grandkids grow up. (I'm just starting to grow up, and I'm the oldest!)
I guess this is where we need to take comfort in Heavenly Father's Plan. If this is her time, then we will see her again soon because of those awesome temple blessings. We are a family. FOREVER. It's a hard concept to wrap my mind around, but it's atleast a comfort. You know?
Anyway, that's my little spill. Don't worry; you're definitely not alone in your thinking. Feel better, ok? Happy thoughts...
:D
Losing your mom is right up there with the suckiest things on this earth. You always hear of it happening to others, but think it will never happen to you. And then whammy your dealt some reality and you realize that THIS really could happen to ME. I still have moments of panic when I have a flash of that Sunday morning. I replay the phone call from my dad. I replay the 911 call. I replay the image in my head as I walked into her house and saw her sitting there-gone. I catch myself going for the phone to call and tell her something that is happening to me or one of my kids only to be snapped back into reality that she's not there. At first, these thoughts flamed like fire daily. But gradually they lessen and those "bad" memories are replaced with the joyful memories. The memories of my childhood. The memories of my foolish choices and her unconditional love. The memories of being in the Bride's Room with her in the temple and the sweet memories of giving birth to my first baby with her right there with me...cheering me on. I am so thankful for the sweet bond we had in death too. It was sweet and rewarding and bonding to help prepare her body for the grave. It sounds crazy but that was so cleansing for me. She brought me into this world and nurtured me and took care of me throughout my whole life and this was the simplest most pure way to repay her for all that she did for me. I point in this rambling is not to be a downer but to remind you to live today. File tomorrow away in your head but enjy her while you have her. I know that doesn't ease the pain or the fear, and I am not suggesting that it will ever be easy, but the stabbing pain in your heart does soften to a dull ache, and that even subsides to only an occassional ache. I miss my mom and I take comfort in the gospel and my knowledge and testimony of eternal families. I love you girl. You were there for me during that stage in my life and I will be there for you. Love her, make memories, and be grateful for every day that you have her in your life. (Sorry for the ramble.)
I am so sorry. Your family is in our thoughts and prayers. If you need a weekend to get your mind off of things, I can think of some crazy girls who can make you feel better for a little while ;) We love you guys!
Stacy,
The very worst thing that ever happened to me in my life---including bad marriage, wayward children, having to work nights---
was losing my dad. His death was the very reason I decided to change my career and become a hospice nurse. I am so sorry about your sweet mom. Lots of people have this type of diagnosis though and have wonderful years after the diagnosis. I know this probably doesn't bring you much comfort but your friend, Paula, wrote such wonderful things about her mom's passing. You will learn to treasure the little tiny things that in the past you haven't treasured. I seriously try to treat every single day like it may be the last day I am going to be here and try so hard to be a more positive person to those around me. I love every phone call, every visit from my little boys in the middle of the night because of a nightmare, every message on my phone, every comment on our blog-- just everything. Sometimes I really suck at it but I'm trying. I'm even trying much harder with my mom, who has married again for the 4th time since my dad got killed. FOUR TIMES!!!
Once again, I digress!
I just want her to know that I love her and would have such an empty spot if she were gone. I hope you know that Shane and I really love you and your family. I spent quite a bit of time with your mom when Grandma Jackson passed away. She is extra special! Record even the little, insignificant things. You won't be sorry in years to come.
Leann
I don't know what to say but that we love you and if there is anything you need, please let us know.
Love, Marianne
I'm sorry Stacy.
When I think about facing my parents' mortality, I still feel like a little kid who doesn't worry about anything because she just assumes her parents will always be there.
I hope your mom still has some good quality time ahead of her. She is lucky to have a daughter like you.
My grandma passed away two summers ago and my mom has never been the same since. Her biggest regret is that she spent all those years raising her kids and being so wrapped up in their lives that she never made the time to be with one of her favorite people until it was almost too late. I can't even imagine going through that, but I do think you should follow your instincts and kick your dad out of the house for the night and go have a sleepover with her and cuddle just like you did as a little girl. It would be therapeutic for the both of you and you would never regret that night. Love you. Wish I could send a hug your way.
Stacy--
I wish I could give you a great big hug right now. XOXOXO
I had no idea my aunt Shirley has been sick. I'm sorry about your mom.
I will keep her and you and all your family in my prayers.
LOVE you!!
I am so, so sorry. Both your family and Brian's will be in our prayers. Your friend Paula is wonderful for sharing her experience. I totally understand the complete feelings helplessness these things can bring. I am so glad for your testimony and your example to me.
Thanks my ladies. You have no idea how much better you have made me feel. I really do appreciate all your love and concern. You are all inspired and have said the perfect things. Thank you for sharing your most heartfelt thoughts and stories. One thing that I know for sure, she still has precious time left that needs to be spent making memories. For me and my family. We're going to make that happen!
Loves to all, XOXOXXo
Your Mom is the best, she has always helped me out in my years of many sewing crisis, and she is such a fighter I feel that there she will be there for many many more! Pam
There is never any words to say to make the situation easier but I am sorry. I am here for you whenever you need me. Hang in there.
Stacy,
I am so sorry! Your post was beautiful...it made me cry! You are so lucky to have such an amazing family and what incredible friends! Your mom is blessed to have you in her life, as I'm SURE she knows! Hang in there! Paula's comment/post was right on the $!!!
We lost Brian's mom while I was pregnant with Nate to lung cancer. Life in their family is so diferent but having the gospel in our lives is truely comforting! Even though she's not here to see our kids grow up...she's one heck of a guardian angel!!!!!
You are in our prayers!!!
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